Polaroid and Grass

Wall Planners and Conveyor Belts

So right now the dot I should be following is Red, now Red means that I should be spending time on my dissertation....but right now it actually means I should be completing my unfinished and unhanded in Professional Journalism work....but we ran out of coloured dots.

In the Blue Corner we have, 'Library Time', whenever a blue spot is in sight then I must be in the Library researching, reading, writing and the like. Representing always lowering prices...we have the green, no i don't have to be at my Eco-Warrior cult meeting when this coloured dot creeps up, it's there to represent my money, the dosh and dollar. It is there to remind me of my time well spent in ASDA, conveyor belt dreams, suicidal thoughts, ASDA Radio 'text in competitions' and being on the receiving end of chat up lines from foreign men, "I like you eyes, I fancy yousssse".

Cue an extract from my first day back at the delightful Perry Barr ASDA store, at the start of last week. The old bill were in on three separate occasions, and not one or two, a gang, with bullet proof vests on show and radio talk, alpha...over...receiving?
I then get yet another very forward advance on me and my eyes.
I also ask a very hairy man, as I do EVERY CUSTOMER I SERVE ,if he would like help with his packing, after him staring at me blankly and me repeating myself several times he finally opens his trap, making me look an idiot to surrounding customers and staff, "I don't know English".
Then one of the checkout girls behind me, I say girl, I mean grandma, she's pushed past 50 and is trailer trash, so blates has a No1 Grandma chain in her jewellery collection, yeah get me?
Well said colleague bellows from behind me, "I'm from Handsworth mate if you wanna know where I'm from...yeah fucking have that and go piss off...go on, get out piss off you twat."
I then hear a man passing my till, "Shut up you fucking fat bitch!"
"Nobrash!", replies Gran who then gets the last word in too "Fuck off you Bastard."
Then a drunken black man in a nice hat, at the top of his lungs, adds, "God is Black!" however, this was on a separate occasion, but still adds to the madness.

This is where I work. the wall planner says the next shift is this Sunday, theres a green dot there.

Ive touched lightly on Red, but dissertation is a dirty word so I won't continue.
Orange is Production Project, now that's a whole different ball game, I'll save that for when I get used to using InDesign again, so I can then design and create a 20 page 'eco' publication.

Purple is Uni.
I quite like the colour purple because its not on the Wall Planner alot.
I like the next one even more,
Yellow.

Oh yellow, my favourite colour and the key to 'Me Time'.
Except my favourite of the Wall Planner pallet doesn't appear all that often, and the trouble with that is,
it sticks out the most.

Wall Planner, Wall Planner on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

Lesbian Studies Institute

By Jessica James

The internet is a wonderful thing! I stumbled across an institute for Lesbian’s this week. A certain search engine spat out a link to this website that I couldn’t help but click on. My initial thoughts were that this would be an organisation that was pro-homosexuality, more specifically pro-lesbianism. Yet one should learn not to assume.

On clicking the link for the Lesbian Studies Institute website, and as the loading time ticked away, I had hopeful positive thoughts about this finding, I wondered to what extent this institutes work, studies, and research would educate me further about a community I belonged to? I envisioned positive outlooks on the ‘Lesbian way’ and new information about a minority group, showcasing real life situations, trials and tribulations, statistics and facts. Some of which I was hoping I had never heard of, or even come across before. Previous ‘research’ into the gay community, particularly the’ Lesbian way of life’ educated me in more ways than one, one being dental dams and the other finger condoms. But that’s another story.

“To track, synthesize and expose the secret, social and political corruption of America's powerful, government financed Lesbian Mafia.”

Safe sex aids aside, I couldn’t have been more wrong, one should definitely learn not to assume. On the page finally loading; The Lesbian Studies Institute’s mission statement smacks you in the face, “To track, synthesize and expose the secret, social and political corruption of America's powerful, government financed Lesbian Mafia.” So the Lesbian Studies Institute isn’t hiring new members? Or at least we need not apply.

After the initial shock, I calmed myself and took to clinking links on the website and got to reading various articles, according to the Lesbian Studies Website, the No1 Lesbian controlled ‘gang’ is head by no other than a First Lady, Hilary Clinton, who currently is in the run to be the first female president in history. She is not alone in this ‘number one mafia group’, who I’m sure you have guessed, are high flying female figures. Hilary’s political right-hand bitches are Janet Reno, who was the first, and to date, the only female Attorney General of the United States, followed by Donna Shalala, who served for eight years as U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services and is currently the president of The University of Miami. The list continues to ‘name and shame’ the members of The Lesbian Mafia, which oddly includes a Women’s Cancer Research Group.

Hillary signals her support of gay rights at a rally in New York.

The Chairman of the Institute is a Mr Steve Lashuk, a man who is proud to make many bold, irrational and highly homophobic statements about Lesbians on his site. It seems that any woman in a high place, of high stature, or anyone with a pair of ovaries and an opinion, is pulled into extreme discussions, and showcased as a feminist activist. A ‘member of the mafia’ who is infiltrating the public sector, and who he claims is part of a world spread organisation carrying out illegal practices and receiving government funding to do so. Lashuk has no qualms in airing his theories on outspoken, intelligent women, either in the media spotlight or not, he offers this advice on how to spot a ‘member of the mafia’, and even offers this so called advice to ‘average’ women, so they too can be aware of these unknown and corrupt ‘feminists’, “When mentioning lesbians to the average woman, the first image conjured is a few butches working in a warehouse or a construction crew or playing on an all butch baseball team. This perception is a dangerous notion because a high percentage have proliferated the medical profession, law, psychology and psychiatry. The mental and physical sicknesses wrought upon women who have chosen to abdicate their womanhood and practice lesbianism is a deep rooted secret which the medical profession doesn't want the public to know.” This man is clearly living in the 1920’s or belongs to a sordid religious cult, one of which becomes more apparent as I skip through his website, searching for evidence about Hilary Clinton being a Lesbian, (which isn’t that surprising) and how women with stature and a high salary to match have slipped through the palm of heterosexual society, into the Lesbian net and away from the safety of being monitored by men.

Lashuk’s website declares loud and proud that, “It's a clinical proven fact that lesbianism is a mental disorder with profound antisocial behaviours, paranoia, violent aggressive outbursts and forever seeking but never finding gratification and fulfilment,” which if a true, makes Lesbians perfect candidates for members of a ‘secret’ mafia gang that is funded by ‘back-hands’ from the government- ‘violent’, ‘aggressive’, precisely the personal attributes that Reservoir Dogs would be proud of, either that, or the U.S Army.

“I receive stares of bewilderment when I describe how the 14 million strong Lesbian Mafia has hijacked the media, academia, psychiatry, courts, federal agencies and all legislative branches of government.”

Details on this website do include scholarly research into the field of ‘feminism’ and ‘lesbianism’, but one man’s feminist is a Lesbian and the other man’s is his wife, which in Ex-President Clinton’s case, is a Lesbian. This Institute is recruiting- investigators, researchers and writers, in order to ‘bring down’ the power that is this secret government funded Lesbian Mafia, that operates on a world wide scale, “I receive stares of bewilderment when I describe how the 14 million strong Lesbian Mafia has hijacked the media, academia, psychiatry, courts, federal agencies and all legislative branches of government,” states Lashuk. Come on Steve, It’s not that surprising! Not as surprising as condoms for your fingers, that come in an array of colours and flavours?
But I suppose that is just another Lesbian Mafia bi-product, in order for World wide dominance over all men and Durex.

Despite this website displaying extreme homophobic comments and theories, surrounding even the idea of ‘Lesbian’, its hard to see the funny side of the matter, until you have navigated your way around the site some more. This website has the largest hate for Lesbians I have ever experienced, and eventually your thoughts on what your reading will turn to those of humour, but there’s still anger, resentment and hate in there too.

To all current ‘Lesbian Mafia’ members and all you new recruits, let’s strap on our weapons and give him a beating the Godmother would be proud of. Alternatively you can catch him on this number, 412-731-8200, if female, sex-toy aided mob violence isn’t your style.